Saturday, 2 February 2013

Indecisive Decisions

A a disfunctonal I have trouble making decisions. I tend to put off making decisions or changes until things get desperate, which doesn't help me feel confident in my choices. I guess that is why I often defer to others or maintain the status quo even when things aren't working.

It is also hard to try to get other people to help me make decisions because I don't like to admit to weakness. I don't like to let other people know that I'm sick, or suffering. But lately things have been getting worse. I think it's because I didn't completely deal with some of the issues that I faced last year. Now they are trying to resurface despite my best efforts.

For the most part mental illness is silent and invisible to others. But some people can tell. I recently had a friend make a point to tell me she was concerned about me. I have been doing better but some woulds are beginning to reopen despite my best efforts to ignore them. So my goal for this week is to amp up my self care. I have been putting off going back to the doctor because I am broke, and I also want desperately to be normal. I hate that I am sick. I hate that I'm not getting better. I hate that I can't forget the bag things that have happened. I want to not have to be worried about any of this stuff.

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