Sunday, 20 January 2013

Trapped Inside Myself

Have you ever felt like your a different person on the inside, than you seem to other people? I don't mean when you purposely wear a persona, I'm talking about how hard it can be to communicate your deepest thoughts, feelings and fears. Sometimes I feel like the more I try to explain myself, the less other people understand me. It's like my true self is locked inside a cage, and the harder I fight to get out, the more I hurt myself.

I hate being mentally ill, it is frustrating  exhausting, humiliating and terrifying. I especially hate trying to explain my illness to other people. I feel judged, feared or pitied. I spoke in an earlier post about how my mother in law reacted to finding out I am on Prozac  I know she didn't mean anything my it but I still feel hurt. I feel like every time I open up about what is wrong with me I get labeled and looked down upon. I take antidepressants so I must be weak. I have anxiety so I must be unreasonable. I have an eating disorder so I am spoiled and vain. I feel guilt so I must be a bad person.

I am not a bad person, I am not spoiled, I am not unreasonable and I am certainly not weak. It is not my fault I am sick. It is not weak to get help, and I am not unreasonable by expecting to be treated the same as everyone else.

I hate feeling different. Sometimes I feel like people can tell there is something wrong just by looking at me. I feel so abnormal and messed up that I feel like it must be obvious to the world. But it's not. Every person I have opened up to over the last year has been shocked. My hubby knew I was feeling a little stressed, but when I described the panic attacks and nightmares he was broken hearted  He felt like he should have known, and helped somehow. My in-laws were shocked that I was seeing a therapist  and that my doctor wanted me to stop going to work before I hurt myself. My sister had no idea that my self worth was zero.

That's the horrible beauty of mental illness, it's invisible  Often times people have no idea something is wrong until it is too late. People are shocked when they find out someone they know or love has been suffering in silence, and often they are clueless until that person lashes out, or hurts themselves. There is a huge stigma around being mentally ill. It hurts to be labeled as crazy or disfunctional. You feel like less of a person. You feel like a bird trapped in a cage.


No comments:

Post a Comment