I wrote the following on Dec 12, 2012. Things have improved a little, but scary things do still live in my head. It is hard to live with mental illness. And it is better to write down these thoughts than to act on them. If you are feeling anything similar please get help.
There are a lot of things I regret about 2012. The thing I regret the most is not killing myself.
I know it seems harsh but I really do think about it often. Of all the things I managed to completely fuck up in my life the one thing I regret the most is not having the strength to kill myself. I should have done it during the summer. I would have had more life insurance and my loved ones would have been able to comfort themselves financially after my loss, if they mourned at all. My husband would have been devastated for a while, but he would find someone better, and would probably have ended up wondering why he had wasted so much time with me anyway. I would have made it look like an accident so the insurance would pay out and everyone would be spared the horror of knowing the truth about me.
But I took the cowards way out. I was honest about my illness and sought help. I went into treatment, got medicated and attended therapy. I even switched to a lower paying job that is less stress. Most days are better, I sometimes feel happy or even hopeful about the future. Then I start to remember that while on sick leave I missed two months of bills and I wont be able to pay them off any time soon. I remember that my student loans are in default, and I will never get them paid off. I remember that my credit cards are overdrawn and sending me letters and angry phone calls. I remember that I missed the car payment last week and worry about picking up the phone.
When I have a bad day I can’t help but thinking about what a waste of life I am. How I am a burden to those I love. I am worthless, completely, totally, worthless.
But if I had been hit by a car three months ago I would have been worth quite a bit. The car would have been paid off instantly. My student loans and credit cards would have disappeared. And my husband would have had two insurance policies to comfort himself with. If I get hit by a car tomorrow he will only have one.