Wednesday, 9 January 2013

The Inner Bully

There is something wrong with the way I treat myself. I’m not just saying that because I have an eating disorder, or because I am depressed, or that everyone else says there are some glitches in my self esteem. I’m saying it because I know it in every cell in my body.  I hate myself; I loath my very existence; I am the lowest most miserable worthless piece of shit to ever have the unfortunate luck to be born. I treat myself worst than I would ever treat another living thing. It’s like having a bully focused solely on making your life a living hell. Only I can never get away from my bully, because it is me.

I used to feel that even though I was sick, at least I wasn't that bad because I wasn't hurting myself. I didn't drink myself to oblivion (often anyway) I didn't do drugs, and I had never taken a knife to my wrists. Then one day it sunk it, that everything My Crazy makes me do is self harm. I might not be in the ER from an overdose or blood loss but I was destroying myself slowly and painfully one day at a time.

I find Bulimia itself to be a act of self hatred and harm. Shoving food you don’t enjoy in your face only to force it back up is certainly not healthy. And if we ignore the fear of getting fat part for a minute, then the reason why because becomes that I deserve the pain. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to have my nails scrape the back of my throat, bile to burn my mouth and to wretch in agony until nothing but blood and mucus comes up. I don’t deserve to sleep because of heartburn, chest pains and nightmares.

When I look at it that way, then I bet most people would rather drink, get high or cut themselves than go through what I put myself through daily. It’s very twisted and hard to explain. I don’t know how many times I've heard people ask “Why don’t you just stop?” The truth is I can’t. I am working very hard to, but it’s not a matter of waking up one morning and just not doing it ever again. I can’t stop hearing my Inner Bully just because someone else tells me too.

I do other things that hurt myself too. Other than my completely fucked up food behaviors I have some other bad habits. I bite my nails until they bleed. I pick at acne until it bleeds. I pick at scabs to re-open wounds. I have even taken a razor blade to my shoulder to dig out a freckle. That’s not normal. I might not be cutting in the traditional sense but I bleed just the same.

I treat myself worse than I would treat my worst enemy. I couldn't imagine holding someone down and cutting out a chunk of their skin. I’d never force feed someone and then make them throw up. I cringe at the though of someone else going through what I do. I would never say out loud the things I am constantly screaming t myself in my head. I feel tremendous guilt whenever I hurt someone else, but I am constantly tearing myself to shreds. I've been doing this for so long it seems normal and natural. Like I deserve it.

I am working to change my Inner Bully. I've got doctors, therapists, medications, support groups and family all on my side trying to help. Maybe together we can have an intervention with my bully, sit her down and let her know what she is doing is wrong, and that things need to change. Maybe someday I can stop hating myself. Maybe I can stop hurting myself. Maybe even I can learn to like myself, or love myself. Maybe I can stop killing myself slowly.

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